Another Travesty
Here is a comment that was left yesterday on my Squidoo Lens for Divorced Dads Matter. Anyone in the Tennessee/Alabama area that has experience with this and can help, please help him out. You can contact him by going to his Squidoo profile.
I have a great interest in these lines. Her name is Emma Rae. I had visitation set up with her mother for 3 years until a court mistake made her mad. Now I have not seen her since March 3, 2008. I know that may seem like a short time to some dads who have been deprived of they children for years, but for me it’s been hell. Her mother and I set up support and visitation on our own. I know now that that was a disaster waiting to happen, but at the time it was the most financially feasible for both of us. And for me there are still financial restrictions for me. I am reading this site for info and help. My daughter resides in Tennessee, but I live in Alabama. If there is anyone who can guide me through the paperwork I need, it would be greatly appreciated. I will use the links in this lens to see where they take me. Sorry if I took up a lot of spaces , but this is a venue that I hope may help myself and a lot of other dads. Keep up the good work.
ps. Those are some great photos of your son.
Take up as much space as you need…
Happy Belated Father’s Day
I just wanted to take a moment to say Happy Father’s Day to all dads. This Father’s Day was a little bitter-sweet for me. My father died several years ago, and this year was a little tough. But, reading the stories of father’s who don’t get to see their children, or have to constantly fight just for a few moments, reminds me of how grateful I am to have my boy in my life and to be able to be there for him.
My father was a good man, but he suffered from the disease of alcoholism. It was that disease that eventually killed him at the age of 52. I spent a lot of my childhood and adulthood resenting him. Then he was gone. Today, I try to make the most of my role as a father - to love and spend time with my son.
For Father’s Day, we went to Dave and Buster’s and played video games. It was a great time. It’s seeing him happy that truly makes me happy. No Father’s Day gift can match that smile of his. I also took him for his first motorcycle ride and surprised him with a stop at a local park. Those are the times that I just can’t get enough of.
Again, Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there. If you spent Father’s Day without your children, remember that you will always be their Dad no matter what.
More Support for My Argument
I argued against the opponents of co-parenting in Michigan a couple of days ago. The Detroit News ran a great article on the subject. Part of my post refuted the idea that the only one that might be trying to “get even” or have less-than-ideal motives is the non-custodial parent. Also, there was the ridiculous idea that the non-custodial parent only wants the child for more time so they can pay less in child support. What about the custodial parent that wants the other parent to see the child less in order to get MORE child support.
Here’s a post a ran across today from a forum.
So, you want to revoke the non-custodial parent’s rights, but still get money? Not much moral high ground there. Don’t get me wrong. I completely DON’T understand Dads/non-custodials that don’t want to see their children. But, I’ve also learned that there are two sides to a story, and we don’t know what the other parent’s side is.
Quicksand Arguments
I was reading a post from Glenn Sacks today about Robert Pedersen, who bikes each year from Lansing, MI to Washington D.C. to raise awareness for Shared Parenting. I covered it a lot last year. Anyway, it directed me to an article from the Detroit News about his fight for a joint custody law. It’s a great, balanced article on the shared parenting. Pedersen, and many like him, are fighting to have joint physical custody become the norm, rather than the current sole-physical custody that so many courts award.
What struck me most about this article were the opponents arguments. It’s hard not to let my emotions get involved with this topic since I’m one of those fathers that people feel so empowered to dismiss. But, here are their arguments.
- "They [custodial parents, family law attorneys and domestic violence advocates] say every family is different, and 50-50 custody doesn’t work in every situation.
- "mandating joint custody can sometimes disrupt a child’s stability."
- "non-custodial parents sometimes want joint custody simply to even the score with their ex-partner or to reduce their child support obligation."
- "The 50-50 custody split is more about people not wanting to feel the other parent has won," said Kent Weichmann, chair of the Legislative Committee of the Family Law Section. "It has nothing to do with the relationship with the child. It’s more about who’s winning. It also has to do with paying less child support." (His phone number in case your interested in discussing this comment with him 734-741-8401).
Allow me, if I may, to discuss each of these points and just how absolute ridiculous (and some outright egregious) they are.
- Every family is, indeed, different, which is all the more reason to start at middle and move out. The current assumption of sole custody goes against the idea that every family is different. It assumes one solution. Assuming sole custody does not keep open any room for flexibility, interpretation, or family circumstances. I don’t think any one is saying that 50-50 custody works in EVERY situation. But, the presumption should be that both parents are loving, nurturing, and capable. That seems like a much more logical starting place than assuming only one parent should have sole custody.
- Ripping a child out of their non-custodial parent’s life can also disrupt stability.
- I’d love to see the scientific basis for comment number three. Even the score? So, you’re trying to tell me that no primary custodial parent has EVER sought sole-custody to "even the score" with their ex-partner. That comment is comical. My ex actually SAID in mediation that I shouldn’t have my son more often because I wanted a divorce. And on multiple occasions has outright said, or implied, that I deserve to suffer because she perceives that I have hurt her. So, this works both ways. Besides, we shouldn’t be making laws based on what someone’s motive "might" be. In regards to reducing child support, I would never say that that has never happened. But again, that assumes a motive, not the best interests of the child. Also, the child support reduction is not that significant, because the parent will then have to pay more expenses when the child is with them.
- Finally, all I have to say about this final comment is that it apparently doesn’t require much compassion or intelligence to help shape laws that affect millions. This is just a ridiculous comment that insinuates that ALL non-custodial parents (fathers) are power hungry, 3-year-olds that are upset that they lost at checkers. This is an ice cold comment, implying that these parents don’t have any feelings of loss or love for their children. I can not even put into words how insulting Weichmann’s comment is to all non-custodial parents.
Not a single one of these arguments holds water. They are either arguments that can be easily turned against themselves or have their basis in hunches and personal opinion. Is this REALLY how we want to make decisions that affect families? On stereotypes and TV caricatures?
Join a movement today. Write about shared parenting. Talk about shared parenting.
Resources:
Fathers 4 Justice
Children’s Rights Council of Illinois
American Coalition for Fathers and Children
Cycling4Children
Parental Alienation Awareness Day - April 25th
Just wanted to remind everyone that April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Parental Alienation is alive and well, destroying relationships and harming children. Please take the time on April 15th to do something to help. At the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization’s web site you can write a letter recounting an experience. Or you can simply pass the word along to those you know and help educate others about PAS. Do your part. Help stop Parental Alienation.
Equal Parenting Bike Trek Set for 2008
Last year Robb MacKenzie and Robert Pedersen biked from Lansig, MI to Washington D.C. in order to raise awareness for Equal Parenting. This year they are doing it again. Check out the Cycling4Children web site to learn more about last year’s en devour and show your support for this year.
This is truly an amazing cause and bring much needed attention to the issue of equal parenting. All to often, divorcing and divorced dads are viewed as an option - like leather interior in a new car. It’s nice to have, but not necessary. It’s time this misandric attitude was put to rest. Do what you can to support this great cause.