It has been 4 years since my ex-wife and I separated and more than two years since we were officially divorced, and there are still many days when time stops for a split second and the reality of my divorce hits me. Those feelings of sadness, fear, relief and bewilderment creep in, and I’m amazed that I’m still struggling with certain issues; that the emotional landscape between my ex-wife and I continues to change.

Divorce is a strange beast. I don’t regret my divorce at all. In fact, I am more certain every day that it was the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make the issues a divorced parent faces any easier. For instance, the way I interact with my son has been forever altered. Sharing homes. Trying to coordinate efforts with learning, discipline, and general direction in my son’s life with my ex is difficult and trying. Then there are the arguments about what my son can take to his Mom’s house and what he can’t; why it’s not okay for him to behave a certain way at my place when he can at his Mother’s. I take extra caution that I don’t say anything derogatory about my ex-wife in front of him or question her parenting style with him present. The list of divorce issues with children are never ending. Interestingly, I have never thought, “I should have just stayed married.” With all the pain of divorce, the process of coping with divorce, and the ongoing issues it’s still been worth it.

With that said though, if you are thinking about divorce and you’re not sure then get sure. Don’t put yourself, your child, and your spouse through the divorce process unless you are certain it is what you need. Consider all the areas it will affect:

• You and your family’s emotional health
• Your financial health
• Your living arrangements
• Consider if and how divorce will affect your employment
• Your physical health
• Your relationship with your child or children
• Your relationships with any shared friends
• Consider that you are not just divorcing your wife but probably her family as well

The list goes on and on. Essentially, think things through, get honest with yourself, and make certain divorce is what you want before you decide to go through with it.

For the purposes of this site, we’ll refer to my son as “Stop That” from now on.

Here’s a familiar scenario:

Me:’Go to the bathroom.’
Stop That:’I don’t need to go to the bathroom.’
Me:’Yes, you do. Now go to the bathroom.’
Stop That:’I really really don’t have to go.’
Me:’I'm not an idiot. I know when you have to go. You can’t sit still. So, just go.’
Stop That:’I don’t have to go. My leg is just hurting.’
Me:’Just go try!’
Stop That:’But, I don’t neeeeeed to go!’
Me:’Go or your in big trouble!!’

Stop That then goes to the bathroom, closes the door, and pretends to go only to emerge 30 seconds later. And, a new argument begins. Sound familiar? I thought so. What’s the problem with this scenario? Simple. It’s cyclical. It goes no where, solves nothing, and leaves both dad and kid feeling worse than before the whole thing started. In fact, it can sometimes take hours for everyone to recuperate. So, what does this have to do with more effectively coping with divorce?

Stop arguing with your ex-wife. Step out of the ring.

In the example above there are certain dads rights and expectations in play. It is dad’s job to teach their child, to discipline their child, and to guide their child. So, it’s not quite as easy to just be quiet. But, with an ex-wife this isn’t the case. You can stop. That’s right. Just stop.

One of the best ways to disarm someone is to refuse to fight back. This doesn’t mean that you don’t ask for what you need or assert your rights as a dad. It doesn’t mean that you give in to every ridiculous demand. What it does mean however, is that you stop trying to “convince” your ex that you’re a good dad, a good person, or that you’re right. Who cares what she thinks about you? Are you okay with you? If you are, take a deep breath, empty your arsenal of past wrongs and character assassination and simply say,”I don’t see how this is relevant to what we are discussing?” Here are a few other good ways to stop the divorce argument cycle:

• “I’m sorry, I will not allow you to speak to me that way. When you are ready to discuss this issue calmly, please call me back.” Then hang up.
• “I called to talk about XYZ, not to argue. Let’s try to stick with the issue at hand.”
• “Arguing will only make us both angry. Why don’t we talk about this [with our divorce attorneys] or [when we've both had a chance to cool down]?”

Nothing to it, right? Easy. Just don’t fight back. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. However, remember that refusing to argue does not mean you’re not standing up for yourself. What it means is that you’re taking the best interests of your child into consideration. A question you may often hear is “How are children affected by divorce?” One of the most devastating blows that divorce can deliver to children is angry parents. Parents that say horrible things about one another. Parents that argue more once they are separated than when they were together.

So, when the anger is welling up and you’re not sure you can deal with it step out of the ring. If there is no one to fight, there won’t be a fight. Your well being and your children’s well being are what’s important . . . not who’s right.

On a personal note, it took me a long time to get to this point. It didn’t happen over night, but the amount of peace I felt when I finally stopped the merry-go-round was unbelievable. Slowly, the arguing stopped. She knew that she was not going to get anywhere. She could no longer control me through anger. Sure, she still tries, and sometimes she succeeds. But, it is seldom. And, my life is much better as a result.

Coping with divorce is never easy. Some are simple and easy; however, most are not. We’ve all heard the horrible divorce stories, and someone always has one worse than another. But, for the parties involved, it always feels like the worst divorce ever. The last thing any father wants to think about is preparing for divorce. How do you prepare for a divorce anyway? It’s an emotional rollercoaster of sadness, fear, and anger. But, when you know that the system is stacked against Dads rights, then it’s important to focus, accept the reality of the situation, and begin preparation for your divorce.

First things first. Get a good attorney. And not just any attorney; search for fathers rights attorneys. I can say this with absolute certainty. There is not a doubt in my mind that it’s the best piece of advice a father coping with divorce can get, because I didn’t follow it. I looked around, and there were some great attorneys in my area that specialized in dads rights. But, the price was too high. I couldn’t afford it. That was definitely a mistake. Borrow or beg, but don’t skimp. The divorce decree and custody arrangement are binding and forever. Sure, you can go back to court and request modifications. Maybe you’ve heard divorce stories where this happened and the dad came out smelling like roses. But, my own experience and research leads me to believe otherwise. It’s an exrtremely expensive process and rarely yields any results for the father. So, prepare for divorce by getting the best attorney you can find.

But, I know what you might be thinking… it’s different. My spouse has agreed with me that we don’t want this to be an ugly proceeding. We’ve agreed to be civil with one another. Maybe you’ve even agreed to split custody and expenses 50/50. And, maybe that’s exactly what will happen. But, I’d like to share a little bit about my divorce story.

When we separated, my ex-wife and I agreed that we would share custody 50/50, and we would do the same with expenses. This arrangement was in effect for more than a year. No worries, right? Things were going well. We had a schedule. Then, she started dating someone. No worries. And, everything fell apart. One day she called to tell me that she was going to seek full-costody of our son, as well as child support, and “there is nothing you can do about it.” I went from terror to rage and back to terror. This wasn’t happening to me. We had an arrangement. She knew I was a great father. She’d told me that a million times. How could this be happening? I spent a long time allowing my emotions to rule me. Fear. Anger. Argument after argument with my soon-to-be-ex. I looked for an attorney. My attorney told me not to worry, but he wasn’t as well know as some of the other fathers rights attorneys I had heard of. I was scared and money was scarce, so I signed on believing that I had a Dad’s rights and the court would see that. I was naive. I believed all those horrible divorce stories I had heard wouldn’t apply to me. In the end, I ended up with custody of my son about 40% of the time and paying child support, as well as a host of other problems I would only realize later when it was too late.

Get a good attorney. Borrow money if you have to, because in the long run it will cost you less. Besides, there is no price that can be placed on your role in your child(ren)’s life. Don’t assume that everything will go well. You are preparing for divorce, first and foremost, by being certain that you and your attorney are on the same page. If you don’t feel like they are as passionate about dads rights as you, say thanks and move on.

There is no way to plan for absolutely every scenario, and it’s hard to focus on what questions to ask your lawyer when your coping with divorce. But, it’s imperative to expect the worse, focus on the reality of your divorce, and protect your role as a father. If you don’t do it, no one else will.