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Dad Seeks Advice on His Post-Divorce Relationships

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007 | Relationships After Divorce | Eric

I received an email last night from a reader who would like advice on his current relationship woes from other readers . I’ve decided to stay out of this one for now and just see what advice others offer. Here’s the email in its entirety:

Here’s the synopsis:

I’m working on my 2nd divorce. I have 2 children with wife #1. We divorced when my son, now 5, was 6 months old. I also have a daughter who is 7. Their mother lost custody due to physical abuse a little over a year ago; prior to that I had shared 50/50 custody with her. She does not see them now, because she won’t go to a professional monitor, and she’s only allowed monitored visitations.

I met their stepmother when my son was 9 months old. In December, we separated, but she’s still involved with the kids in terms of picking them up and taking them out on occasion to a movie…but doesn’t really see them much (1-2 times a month).

The new girlfriend just informed me she does not think that she can be involved with me if the stepmother is going to remain in the children’s lives at all.

They see step-mom as mom, and even though they don’t spend much time with her I know they love her.

I also very much love my girlfriend.

I also love my kids.

I’m very confused as to how to proceed. On the one hand, I can see how having someone who is no longer related to them would be uncomfortable to us to say the least.

On the other hand, she helped me raise them for most of their lives. Forcing her to leave abruptly doesn’t seem right to me. I’m prone to let the relationships fade naturally as I’m sure they will when life takes us in our separate directions.

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8 Comments to 'Dad Seeks Advice on His Post-Divorce Relationships'

Some Guy
May 23, 2007

Choose your children over your girlfriend.

Phil
May 23, 2007

Dude, you need to go see a therapist. Its clear you have issues with relationships. Clear that up, and all of this will be resolved.

Hawa
May 23, 2007

To me, this statement proves that you’re a part of the problem. If those were the biological children of your ex-wife, you would never put up with a girlfriend who tried to interfere with visitation. As far as your children and your ex-wife are concerned, they are related.

And if a biological blood tie is the only thing standing between your ex and doing right by your children, I would agree with Phil’s comment about your need to address your relationship issues.

What will you do when the new woman becomes the step-mom and then the ex? Don’t pretend that she’ll be around forever. She’s just here right now, and you’re a little premature in letting her start define paths for your children’s lives. Allow your children to have a stable relationship with the mother who already proved her love for them.

If your new woman isn’t mature enough to accept your children actually having a loving step-mom… ::sigh::… I’ll just stop here. I think I made the point that I wanted to make…

Hawa
May 23, 2007

Please forgive my poor use of the “blockquote” command in my comment. And I don’t see a feature that allows me to edit my comment. *smile*

I was actually quoting the following statement:

“On the one hand, I can see how having someone who is no longer related to them would be uncomfortable to us to say the least.”

I also want to apologize for sounding too harsh. I am passionate about children having strong families to fall back on. Removing an existing opportunity to be loved is generally a bad thing to do, unless the person acts in intentional malice towards you or the new girlfriend…

Kate
May 25, 2007

You know, I find this post sad. Sad because you are torn on what you need to do.

If it were me, I would put the children first and try and explain to your current girlfriend that while the kids stepmum is not blood related, she really is the mother that they know and love.

If your girlfriend loves you…and hopefully she does….she will see the truth.

Good luck.

k8

Eric
May 25, 2007

Here are the advice comments from Reddit:

From anchovie91471:

I agree with red. This guys sounds a bit like he’s a sucker for punishment. 1. Tell current gf she’ll have to accept the situation…unconditionally. 2. In the future, ask yourself if you’re actions are motivated by trying to make up for the mother’s mistakes…if so, don’t do it…that’s not your job. 3. It might be a good idea for you AND the kids to see a professional therapist (I almost never believe therapy is the answer, but in this situation, I think the children might benefit)

Good luck…it sounds like you’ve got your priorities in order.

From 1smartass:

This is quite typical really. Unfortunately most people seem to put their their husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend, before their kids. I think this is the #1 problem in split families.

From Red1980:

What is he thinking? How long will it be before he is on his third divorce? Also, to the girlfriend–tough cookies. Does she have a problem with the bio-mom? Probably not. So suck it up or get lost. This is not about the father or the girlfriend. It is about the kids.

Joel
June 4, 2007

Been there, done that. Any woman who wants you to try to suborn your kids’ loyalties to a woman they think of as their mother, isn’t going to be satisfied with that level of control.

I was involved with a woman for several years who tried to pretend I didn’t have a son, and expected me to put her ahead of my daughter at all times. (I had custody of the daughter, only saw the son occasionally.) After five years of my daughter and me asking “how high?” whenever she said “jump,” I had had enough. It took years more to build up the relationship with my son that I had missed out on because I was trying to keep this attention sponge happy.

Do yourself a favor and run like hell. There are women out there who don’t demand that you surrrender your fatherhood to be a boyfriend.

browning
June 21, 2007

Your children see their step mother as family. Family is not just blood. Your girlfriend and you would benefit with some relationship coaching befor going much deeper into this relationship.
This is a situation that can have a win if you slow down a little bit.A great book that can help is “Spiritual Divorce” by D. Ford or watch Ex Wives Club on Monday night (ABC)

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