I have to share a secret success of mine. After hearing about Karen’s Pizzeria going along with Cynthia Brown’s hair-brain idea of putting “Wanted Posters” on pizza boxes, I was more than a little appalled. So, of course, I posted about it. Secretly, I was hoping that my post would generate enough interest to bump her down in Google for Karen’s Pizzeria.

I am an SEO Professional, so I knew a few good posts and decent linking would probably generate great results. I’m happy to announce, Divorced Dads Matter is number two for Karen’s Pizzeria and my post on Netscape is Number One. Sorry, Karen. Maybe you shouldn’t support hateful, ill-informed acts meant to humiliate fathers and their children.

I received a comment from Arby yesterday in response to my post Child Support Responsibility. He has contributed several times, and I always appreciate Arby’s thoughtful response. However, he makes several points that I’d like to discuss.

Background: I believe that there needs to be more financial responsibility by parents receiving child support. I proposed a potential solution: setting up Child Support Bank accounts. The custodial parent receiving the child support gets a debit card, checks, etc. Money can not be withdrawn from this account. There is a small monthly account maintenance fee payable by the parent paying child support. Then, at the end of the month a statement of the accounts activity goes to both parents. It encourages the custodial parent to use the funds for the child, and the parent paying the child support has documented legal proof of fraud- or irresponsibility at the very least- in the event of litigation.

On to Arby’s thoughts:

Accounting of costs are not a really useful measure. It just means that custodial parents will be careful which account is used to withdraw money from. That is, the custodial parent will charge rent/mortgage and food to the account and leave their own income available for the spending which amounts to the same thing in the end.

Agreed. There are holes in my solution. The wayward custodian could, indeed, find a way to misuse the funds and cover their tracks. But, that would require work, thought, and planning which alone reduces the possibility. There will always be some who find a way to do the wrong thing no matter what. We wouldn’t dismiss laws against stealing just because it would be difficult to enforce or someone might get away with it. And, I believe “accounting of costs” is the best measure. When discussing money, what better measurement is there?

These controls are just an imposition and an attempt to maintain control of the custodial parent by the non-custodial parent.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Currently, in Missouri, child support gets paid to the courts. The courts then, in turn, pays the custodial parent by generating a check and mailing it to them. That parent then has to deposit the check and wait 1-2 days for the funds to be available. That sounds more like an imposition to me. If the parent receiving child support had availability of those funds immediately it would actually be easier for them.

Second, asking that parents adhere to the court’s requirement that the money be spent on the child is not an “attempt to maintain control of the custodial parent.” It’s a way to help ensure that the best interests of the child are actually being met. The parent receiving child support can still spend the money as they see fit as long as it falls within the guidelines of child support. Asking the parent to do what they are supposed to be doing in the first place is not an imposition or a level of control. The only parents who would suffer would be the ones that aren’t spending the money responsibly to begin with.

I understand, completely, the feeling of powerlessness and that a non-custodial parent has been made essentially subservient to the custodial parent who is willing to use the children and tools to control the non-custodial parent. Trying to get some lever to use on the custodial parent is not a solution. It is just an expensive retaliation for wrongs that have been suffered.

Again, the intent behind this idea is not retaliation but rather accountability. From an emotional standpoint, I have put the nastiness of my divorce behind me. Yes, my ex-wife and I still have an argument here and there, but the animosity is gone. Today, I’m simply interested in making sure that my son’s best interests are served, both emotionally and financially.

After divorce, people often think that a father (or non-custodial parent) should just hand over 25-50% of their paycheck quietly because it’s “their responsibility.” And, yes, it is a father’s responsibility to support their child financially, but that also implies that they should also have some recourse if that money is being spent irresponsibly. Blindly handing over hundreds or thousands of dollars a month to someone else and simply accepting their “word” that it’s being spent correctly is a ridiculous concept. No sane person would accept that in any other area of life. Given that many divorces are steeped in cruelty, deceit, and rage between the divorcing couple, it would seem even more logical to ensure accountability.

I think that “fair” child support guidelines need to be put in place. A sum of money that it would cost to support a child under a set of circumstances needs to be determined. Then split evenly between both parents. This amount needs to be mediated between the adults, not mandated by the court based on inexact information, speculation and hysteria. The amount given to either parent by the other would then depend on the amount of time that the child spends at either home and the circumstances of that time.

That is, if the non-custodial parent maintains a room specifically for the child then he has met the requirements for the lodging portion and shouldn’t have to pay that to the custodial parent - actually, in the circumstance I am describing there wouldn’t be a ‘custodial parent’ it would be shared parenting.

But that is an equally complex and expensive solution.

I couldn’t agree more. The current way of determining child support is broken at best. However, I am skeptical that most couples could come to an agreement without intervention. My ex-wife and I did not need litigation. However, it was obvious that we were both hurt and devastated. There were quite a few arguments that happened during mediation. Sadly, our mediator went on and on and on about how wonderful we had been. Apparently, our arguments and anger were child’s play compared to what she normally saw.

Also, I don’t really see how my proposed solution is any more expensive. I worked in the financial world for 10 years. Transaction accounts have a minimal cost, and if it’s being payed by the non-custodial parent, I don’t see how this increases administrative costs at all.

Sidenote: I believe Missouri does allow a non-custodial parent to “audit” the custodial parent once per year. I will try and find information on this. However, it seems that this type of action would cause a lot more anger and hurt than essentially “sharing” a bank account.

Thanks again to Arby for participating in the blog so often and always offering great points for discussion.

Thanks to John Fowler from Fathers 4 Justice for his courageous protest of Karen’s Pizzeria in Hamilton, OH. If you are not familiar with the Deadbeat Dads on Pizza Boxes controversy, you should read about it.

Thank you to Glenn Sacks for standing up for divorced fathers everywhere and reporting verifiable statistics. He took on a hostile crowd, and hosts, on Fox News’ Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. The debate surrounds a new program in Cincinnati, developed by Cynthia Brown- Executive Director of the Butler Count Child Support Enforcement Agency- that puts wanted posters on pizza boxes of fathers that owe child support.

You have to watch this video.

There’s only one point I’d like to make here that was not brought up in the debate. In my parenting plan, it explicitly states that my ex-wife and I are to do everything humanly possible to avoid bringing our child into “Adult” matters (i.e., child support). I can not send the child support with him. My ex-wife and I can not discuss child support when he is present. Doesn’t posting a freaking WANTED POSTER on a pizza box violate this tenant that children should be sheltered from the financial matters between a divorced couple? How bad would you feel to see your dad on a pizza box with a Wanted sign hanging above his head? Doesn’t that potentially create an enormous amount of grief, anxiety, and embarrassment for the child that is totally unnecessary? This should not be legal.

Some days I read a post like Good Idea- If They Can’t Afford Their Child Support, Take Their Jobs on Glenn Sacks blog, and I feel grateful for others that care, but hopeless at the same time. How does one continue to write day after day, to speak out week after week against such seemingly insurmountable odds? It gets tiring to say the least. Then, throw on top of the heap the MIS-perception that all father’s rights activists are anti-feminist, and it just gets murkier. Reminds me of the movie 300. The few against the many. Sadly, there is all of this resistance to something so beneficial- fathers who want to be a meaningful part of their children’s lives. What a crime? The horror. The horror.

Sacks’ post deals with preliminary approved Kansas legislation that would suspend professional licenses of father’s that are behind on their child support. What a ridiculous solution to problem! Are their fathers that don’t pay but have the means to pay. Yes, there are. I had one growing up. Are there divorced fathers that are down on their luck? Are their divorced fathers that are being required by an unjust court system to pay an insanely large portion of their income- a portion so high that most reasonable people would scoff at it? You bet there are. I’ve even blogged about my own experience with the lopsided child support issue. How, then, does this anti-father legislation help these fathers catch up? How does it help the ex-wife or the child? It doesn’t. It perpetuates the problem. Kansas law makers apparently have a fire, and the brilliant solution they came up with for battling it is a 5-gallon drum of gasoline. Bravo! Way to waste more taxpayers’ money.

Epidemic. This is the word I keep coming back to on a regular basis, because it’s the only one I can think of that adequately describes the problem. Destructive. Widespread. Deadly. How many more days, weeks, and years are going to have to pass before this world decides that Divorced Dads do, in fact, Matter?

First of all, I believe that a parent should support their child in every way including monetarily. I’ve been on both sides of the coin. My father struggled with alcoholism his entire life, and we never really saw any child support from him. On the other side of the coin, I am a divorced Dad that pays on time every month. So, this post has nothing to do with whether or not a parent should have financial responsibility. I’m more interested in how ridiculously one sided the system currently works.

So, here’s a quick list of the facts. You can draw your own conclusions

• The Court’s assume a certain style of parenting by awarding higher child support amounts based on income. Nevermind . . . that’s a whole post in and of itself.
• My ex-wife does not have to pay taxes on the child support I provide.
• My ex-wife gets to claim our child every year on her taxes.
• I do not get to claim ANY portion of child support on my taxes.
• My ex-wife gets to claim day care expenses on her taxes.
• A portion of the child support I pay her was deemed specifically for day care expenses, and yet again, I cannot claim those expenses or the support on my taxes.
• I have my son 43% of the month and, yet, the expenses associated with providing him a home are not taken into consideration (note: I do receive a “credit” for each night he stays with me. However, he must spend the night. I have him on Sundays until 6pm, and I get to claim 0% of that day.)
• Even when I was unemployed and receiving $250/wk, my ex-wife was able to garnish my unemployment and demand payment of back support not made up by the garnishment.
• Failure to pay on my part can result in lost driver’s license, no passport, fines, and/or jail time.
• Failure on her part to spend the money properly results in her getting a bunch of cool new stuff and no legal intervention.
• On more than one occasion, I have been unable to buy a reasonable gift for my son on Christmas or his Birthday, while my ex-wife lavished him with expensive items. As a conscientious parent, I recognize that I can say nothing to him about this because it’s not his fault and would only harm him. But, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Okay, so maybe a couple on the list sound like open wounds. But, that’s because they are open wounds. Either way, does this sound like a fair and just arrangement?

I really would like to hear some of your stories. Check out the Your Stories section and send them to me.