David Mott provided me with a moment of affirmation today when I read his post Failed Marriage or Success on Dad’s House. David writes:

If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

While I’ve felt this way for quite some time it’s refreshing to have someone second the motion since I’ve felt the prejudice eye of society sizing me up. My divorce was the single most difficult event I’ve had to endure in my life. But, like most things that are tumultuous, I came out on the other side a better person. I’ve learned a lot about myself. You’re forced to when everything in your life changes. I’ve become more who I am, recognized my faults, owned up to them, and found a level of freedom I have never experienced. A lot of experience, strength, and hope from others has helped make that possible, but I’ve actively participated in the process.

Though it may sound strange, I see my divorce as a success. The bitter, damaging relationship that was my previous marriage served no one well. Everyone suffered. I believe in the importance of commitment, forgiveness, and tolerance, but it’s also important in life to know when to say uncle. When to recognize futility and preserve not only the self but others as well. Granted, these are primarily hindsight revelations. I wouldn’t say I’m the model for how to exit a marriage or deal with divorce on the onset, but that’s apparently what it took to get to where I needed to be.

Thanks David. We successful divorcees are glad we’re not alone.

So, after an absolutely RIDICULOUS amount of time upgrading my Wordpress blog yet again, it’s apparently operational. Now that I have that out of my system, on to other things. 

I got an email from my wife today telling me that one of her friends had fallen victim to a society that can’t seem to do the simplist thing - allow equal rights for divorced parents. Her friend, a father who has taken care of his child for years after the child’s mother decided to take off, woke up today to find out that she had taken the child and left. That’s right. Un-enrolled the child from school, packed a bag, and moved 400 miles away.

A little back story - the child’s mother had recently come back and essentially decided that she wanted her daughter now. Obviously, the father was not okay with this and decided to get a lawyer and get custody. They had no previous custoday arrangement - I’m sure partly because the mother had run off. Nonetheless, I guess the mother decided that court systems and her daughter’s wishes and well being were a real drag, so she just up and left with the daughter. 

This is heart breaking to me. I can’t even imagine how that would feel or what I would do in that situation. How do you deal with that? How do you react? Some might say, “go get the daughter back.” Seems logical. But not really. Not only do you have to consider the trauma of pulling the child back and forth, but that would look very bad in the court’s eyes. 

Lessons Learned: 
 

1. Get a good lawyer
2. Get a CUSTODY agreement. Even if it’s not ideal, it’s still supposedly enforceable. 
3. Don’t divorce a heartless psycho who’s willing to steal your child in order to satiate their own needs.
4. Tell your Congressman that you demand Shared Parenting legislation. 

Just wanted to remind everyone that April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Parental Alienation is alive and well, destroying relationships and harming children.  Please take the time on  April 15th to do something to help. At the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization’s web site you can write a letter recounting an experience. Or you can simply pass the word along to those you know and help educate others about PAS. Do your part. Help stop Parental Alienation.

In the melee of divorce and post-divorce problems, the difficulties and importance of step parents are often overlooked. A recent post from a step mother really touched me. It truly captured the pain and suffering that non-custodial parents and step-parents must often endure. Thanks to the blogger at In this house, I’m the Mama for your honesty.

Excerpt:

I remember that her “visitation” schedule was every other weekend… four days a month. We tried hard to put our whole lives on pause for those four days, knowing that was all we got. At first you seemed like you wanted to be flexible, but every time her Dad asked to be involved a little more, you put your foot down. Soon we moved into slumber parties, school events, cheerleading and every other thing you could think of to interrupt those four days he had with her. You scheduled all of that without his input, most often without even letting him know these things were happening, then had your daughter call and act put out if he didn’t absolutely agree that whatever you had planned was more important than her time with him. You called when you had family in town, friends in town, plane tickets to fly off to somewhere, something else to do, something you had paid for. After awhile he got frustrated. You told your daughter you would “step in for her and call” so her Dad wouldn’t “yell” at her.

According to OregonLive.com, an Oregon bill that would increase the cost of divorce by $10 to help fund the Domestic Violence Clinic of Lane County Legal Aid & Advocacy Center moved forward recently. While I think that funding for these type of programs is important, it’s troubling that divorce would be so closely tied with domestic violence should the bill pass.

Divorce already has enough negative connotations without adding another one. By requiring divorcing individuals to pay an extra $10 toward domestic abuse programs there is an implied responsibility. The impression is that all, or most, divorces involve domestic violence, which is ridiculous. Why should  a couple that does a wonderful job raising their children be subjected to- essentially- a domestic violence tax based solely on the fact that they are getting a divorce? Domestic violence affects everyone in a community. Not only is the bill discriminatory against those who decide to divorce and adds an unwarranted stigma, but the reasons for the bill itself are a bit confusing.

Apparently, the organization’s grant expires in 2008. Don’t they have grant writers? Are there no other grants available to them? And, if not, then why should only a portion of the community be required to pay for this service. If it is truly a social service, everyone in the community should be required to chip in.

This is just another bill meant to punish divorcing couples and add the atrocious impression that all men who divorce are batterers.