As I read Why I Hate Child Support by Arkie Mama all I could do was nod my head (see below for partial post). Often, the step-mother is forgotten in the melee of divorce, custody, and child support. Arkie Mama provides a stark and realistic view of how ridiculously large child support requirements can crush a new family and act as a lottery winnings for the custodial mom.

In my own experience: Early on, my ex-wife garnished my unemployment of $250/wk. She provided my son with extravagant birthday and Christmas gifts during that time period and left me with so little that I could not even afford the smallest of gifts. Those first couple of years following my divorce crushed my spirit. It has taken a considerable amount of time to pull myself back up, and, even though my partner and I do okay today, we still have to make financial decisions based on the fact that 30% of my income (at one time over 40%) goes to my ex-wife each month. It is also common for my ex-wife to squander the child support and her check and not have enough for necessities like Asthma Medication for my son. Guess who ends up paying for it after a phone call dripping with guilt and pity.

Why I Hate Child Support

Posted by Arkie Mama

This issue has caused more stress in my life and on my marriage than any other. It’s difficult enough to muddle through finances with your partner. Try adding in another household and state laws that make no sense. I am so frustrated and depressed right now. I need to know that at some point, we’ll catch a break. But really, I don’t see how.

I hate child support…

…and the calculations behind it. (Here, it’s based solely on the father’s income and applies only to the children of the divorce. Children from any future marriages are not factored in.)

… Because on the very night I’m trying to figure out how (and when) we can afford to buy some spring/summer clothes for Tootie, Hubs comes back from his ex-wife’s house talking — no, let’s make that “gushing” — about Stepson’s new Wii system.

… Because for the first two years of our marriage, when the ex arrived every other weekend, she always had a list for Hubs of all the “extra” expenses, which usually totaled, on average, about $150 to $200. That’s $300 to $400 a month ON TOP OF child support.

… Because she always left with a check.

… Because when I got pregnant, even though Hubs always paid several hundred dollars a month MORE than required by state law in child support — not just the “extras” but also one-half of day care and, later, after-school care — the ex sued him for additional money.

… Because while I worry each month about how we will afford new shoes or clothes or day care-related expenses or birthdays, holidays, etc… etc… for the kids, his ex is putting in an in-ground pool, ordering custom-made furniture or re-doing their house (for the millionth time) or installing a tikki bar out back.

… Because I never knew what debt was — or how scary it is — until I married a divorced father.

… Because a divorced mom knows for sure she’ll get xxx number of dollars each month whereas a woman married to a divorced dad shuffles and repriortizes and puts off purchases because she has to work with what is left.

… Because most states don’t recognize fathers as parents with the same rights as mothers.

I’ve always been drawn to music. Actually, immersed is probably a more accurate word. From a very early age, I relied on music to help me understand how I was feeling and heal. By 4 years old, music was a habit. I’ve even started a pet-project blog recently called Big Hair Blog, dedicated to 80s hair bands. Not really the most soul-searching type of sound, but a lot of fun.

When I separated from my ex-wife my emotions ranged from utterly depressed to rage by the hour. As usual, I turned to music to try and hang on to some sanity. I have never felt so powerless over my emotions. During that first couple of years, I listened to a lot of music. One song, in particular, got me through many a day: I’m Above by Mad Season. For several months this was my Mantra. Granted it’s a bit angry, but that’s what I needed at the time.

I’m Above

For clear space and soundness of mind
I’ve let you play me for some time
One can only receive and retain
But the lies you recite for your gain

So you rely on my faith in your kind
Or rather continue to pretend that I’m blind
You say I made your life a living hell
And yet still let me pay you when I fell

How is it you’re feeling so uneasy?
How is it that I feel fine?
Life reveals what is dealt through seasons
Circle comes around each time
I’ve been blessed with eyes to see this
Behind the unwhole truth you hide
Bite to remind the bitten, bigger
Mouth repaying tenfold wide

I’m above
Over you I’m standing above
Claiming unconditional love
Above

Try to keep bad blood in the past
Never thought a chance, a chance it would last
I have strength enough, enough to forgive
I desire peace where I live

I’ve been blessed with eyes to see this
Behind the unwhole truth you hide
Bite to remind the bitten, bigger
Mouth repaying tenfold wide
How is it you’re feeling so uneasy?
How is it that I feel fine?
Life reveals what is dealt through seasons
Circle comes around each time

I’m above
Over you I’m standing above
Claiming unconditional love
Above

I’m above
Over you I’m standing above
Claiming unconditional love
Above

I’m above
Over you I’m standing above
Claiming unconditional love
Above

I hope this provides a healthy outlet for other divorcing dads.

Here’s the bad news:

The children of divorced parents are almost twice as likely to turn into ‘problem’ children than those from intact families, according to research by the child protection council.

Such children are more susceptible to depression and more likely to get involved with crime. They also smoke, drink and take drugs more than other children and are twice as likely to get divorced themselves as adults, the council says.

Some 70,000 children are faced with a family separation every year; one third of couples breaking up are not officially married.

This upbeat information is from Dutch News.nl.

Don’t worry, there is no good news. In fact, that is the ENTIRE post. So, essentially, you suck, and you’re children are destined for failure.

Message to researchers everywhere:

We get it. We’re horrible parents. We’ve destroyed our children’s psyche beyond repair. We don’t give a shit. We’re always completely selfish and this is only something that happens with divorced parents. Enough with the studies already!

Interestingly, there are a ton of studies that also point to the fact that children of fatherless homes face the same potential risks. Hmm. Maybe the two have something to do with one another? Nah. That’s just crazy, logical talk. I’m sure that the divorce studies and divorce issues like parental alienation have nothing to do with one another.

Just out of curiosity, I’d love to know how many people reading this are from a divorced family and have managed to eek out some semblance of a life for themselves. Keep in mind, I know I’m probably asking a lot from the socially and mentally crippled society of children of divorce, but I’d like to know anyway.

I have written several times (A call for Father’s Stories and Why is a Dad’s Pain Less) about the Australian-based support group Dads in Distress that has been dedicated for years to helping fathers survive divorce. With a male suicide rate spiraling out of control, Dads in Distress seeks to offer support to Dads who are facing traumatic life events, primarily divorce or loss of custody. (Young separated men in Australia are 10 times more likely to die from suicide than by road accident!)

I was extremely saddened today to learn in a forum post on Dads on the Air that this noble organization may be closing its door soon due to a lack of funding.

It is with much sadness that I write to inform you that dads in
distress Inc will be forced to close its doors and disconnect its
emergency 1300 number come July unless adequate operational funding
can be secured. Our current funding under the ‘Stronger Families
Strategy’ culminates in July and we have been told that there is no
funding available to us under that dept again.

The group has been operating with limited funding over the past 7
years through the help of big hearted men. Unfortunately we have lost
a lot of good men who had great expertise but put simply ‘had to
eat’. These men have given hours and hours of their free time in
order to help those less fortunate then themselves. We will be
forever grateful to those that have donated their time and energy to
the plight of fatherlessness in this country.

Unfortunately there comes a time of realisation. We just cannot
continue as we have been. The demand for our services is ever
increasing and we are unable to adequately meet the needs of the
increase. . .

–Tony Miller Founder Dads in Distress

Read the rest of the post here. . .

Please take a few moments to visit their site, offer help, or simply a thank you. I have taken much of my inspiration for Divorced Dads Matter from their work. Please pass this information on to others.

This is something I have struggled with for years. Some days I believe I’m on my way to the happiness and optimism I felt before my divorce. But, then something happens- it doesn’t have to be big- and I’m back to uncertainty. I’ve often wondered if I would ever look at the world the same again; if I would ever feel the same sense of awe and optimism about life. It’s not coincidence that the terms bitterness and divorce are used almost synonymously.

Apparently, a Michigan State University psychologist has an answer that I’m not too sure I like. Based on studies from Germany and Great Britain spanning 24 and 15 years respectively, not all life events have the same effect on people.

Lucas found that not all of life’s slings and arrows are created equal. On average, most people adapt quickly to marriage, for example — within a couple of years. People mostly adapt to the sorrows of losing a spouse too, but this takes longer — about seven years. In general, people spike in happiness, then return to previous levels of happiness.People who get divorced and people who become unemployed, however, do not, on average, return to the level of happiness they were at previously. The same can be said about physical debilitation.

In many ways it makes sense. If a spouse dies, there is finality. The family and community file in to offer love, support, and condolences. Perhaps, the relationship was strong. There are happy memories. The partner is gone, and with time and distance the survivor is able to heal. However, with divorce the relationship was not ended naturally. It was cut short. There is little distance, especially when children are involved. In an attempt to make their ex hurt equally, divorced spouses will often constantly look for ways to throw a monkey-wrench in the other’s life . Anger. Resentment. Betrayal. All common feelings among divorced fathers and mothers. Happy memories are clouded by the current war.

Lucas doesn’t leave us completely empty handed. There is still an open door.

“We see some hints in these studies, like perhaps that people who are positive emotionally tend to bounce back more, or that good social relationships play a role,” he said. “We need to understand the variability in the way people react.”

Interesting, to say the least. Am I doomed to some sub-par level of “subjective well-being?” I believe that I can heal. That I can return to that level of happiness I felt before my divorce. I have to believe it.

I came across an interesting site yesterday that offers a video game called Earthquake in Zipland that is supposed to help children deal with issues surrounding divorce. I have to say that I haven’t used it, so I can’t verify its effectiveness. But it does look fairly interesting. Plus, it seems like a pretty logical way to help children. If your kid is anything like mine, you are constantly competing for adoration with a machine.

Here are 5 sure fire signs that your child is a video game addict:

1. Their hand/eye coordination is better than most surgeons. (Wow. Read that article. I’m not kidding.)
2. They have more video games than books.
3. They have written a chapter book chronicling their adventures in their favorite video game. (true story)
4. Every life event can be related back to something that happened in a video game. For example, “When you stepped on that bug, it was kind of like how I swing that club thing and squish those squirrel things in. . . blah blah blah.”
5. When playing a video game their eyes glaze over, they hear nothing, and getting them to stop requires prying the controller from their death grip.

Okay, so it’s not quite that bad at my house, but there have been days that bordered on it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to obsess a little a LOT over video games. So, who knows, maybe Earthquake in Zipland is right on target by using technology to help children of divorce.