I had to blog about this. No question.

about two years age my childrens father and i split up. I left him so I had nowhere to go so i left my kids with their father. now that i have established myself and have a place to live and know that i am capable of caring for them i want them back. there is no custody order so i know that i can go get them but what are the chances the courts will let me keep them. because everyone in my family thinks that i just abandoned them but i didnt. i see them every weekend and every day i have off of work even my vacation time.so i am just needing to know if the courts will let me keep them because they have lived with their father for so long.

This is taken verbatim from TheLaw.com forum. There are a lot of things I could say about this, but the one line that struck me that hardest was “there is no custody order so i know that i can go get them.” Why? Why should you be able to just go get them? Are you somehow more entitled because you are a mother and not a father? Does that provide you special rights? Do you REALLY believe that you are “more” a parent because of your gender?

In all fairness, perhaps she is a wonderful mother, who just needed to get her footing on life back. Divorce is extremely tumultuous. However, that doesn’t exclude the father from the picture by default.

I encourage all to leave their advice for this person.

As if I needed more conclusive evidence that children need both parents post-divorce, Psychology Today published an article recently- The Upside of Divorce- about children of divorce and how they develop romantic relationships later in life. . .

they were equally split into three groups: “Modelers” tended to copy the dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed in their parents’ marriage, causing conflict in their own relationships. “Strugglers” were cautious about trusting others and unsure of what to expect from a partner. But another class of students, the “reconcilers,” actively strove to learn from their parents’ problems and thus had more successful subsequent relationships.

Yet again, an article that demonstrates the benefits of active involvement by both parents through shared parenting.

Reconcilers, however, remained close to their parents, who were also more likely to go on to happy remarriages. This positive example made reconcilers optimistic about their love lives and helped them learn to relate to romantic partners.

We are constantly bombarded with statistics warning that children of divorce are more likely to be drug abusers, commit suicide, have behavioral problem, or become pregnant as a teen. Maybe if we did more to PUT fathers in the lives of their children, rather than tearing them apart, these issues would improve. I’m amazed that so much evidence clearly demonstrates the disastrous results of our current custody system, and yet shared parenting barely gets a second glance. We cry “why?” each time we hear of a child that’s fallen victim to suicide or drug abuse, as though there is no answer in sight. We wish things could be different. They can. We’ve had an answer for years, but no one’s listening.

Reminders:

• Shared Parenting Rally in Washington D.C. on August 18th.
• Support Robert Pedersen and Rob Mackenzie who will biking from Michigan to Washington DC to raise awareness for equal parenting

A story on StrollerDerby helped reinforce my belief in Parental Alienation Syndrome as a very real and aggregious behavior. But more importantly, the story woke me up to a startling realization- that, to a lesser degree than some, I have been affected by it myself. The StrollerDerby article discusses a man who planned to take his son to DisneyWorld, only to have his son say he didn’t want to go at the last minute. Not long after, the child’s mother took him there. Big surprise. When the father questioned his son about why he changed his mind about going, he discovered that his son had been told that his father was taking him there to kill him. Sadly, this is not as uncommon as people think.

Now, while I have to admit that my experience is not quite this extreme, it was still a shot to the arm. After my ex and I had been separated for over a year and half, I lost my job. I had managed so save a little here and there from my unemployment check- the little left over after she had it garnished- and had planned on buying my son a bike for Christmas. In a casual phone conversation in November, my ex-wife asked me what I was getting him. She said she wanted to make sure that we were not getting the same thing. I told her I was going to get him a bike. She said, that’s great. He’ll love it, and then told me that she hadn’t figured out what to get him yet.

A week later, I asked if she had decided what she was going to get him for Christmas. “Oh, I already got his Christmas gift. I got him a bicycle,” she said in the most normal of tone. I was shocked. I was hurt. What was even more aggravating was that she acted as though we had never had the conversation about Christmas a week earlier.

Lesson learned the hard way. Now, unfortunately, I have to guard ridiculous information like it’s top-secret information.

Just a reminder that August 18th is the DC Rally for Shared Parenting. This is an extremely important event. Shared parenting is still not taken seriously by law makers. A great turnout would be a giant step in forcing politicians to face the current imbalance and injustice in our Family Court system.

Many states still need volunteers to coordinate transportation and messaging. If you have the time, the skills, or the know-how, this is a great opportunity to make a significant contribution to equal parenting.

Also, don’t forget to support Robert Pedersen and Rob Mackenzie who will biking from Michigan to Washington DC to raise awareness for equal parenting.

Here’s something good to know if you’re married and live in Kentucky:

Your wife decides to cheat on you for, oh I don’t know. . . let’s say 7 years. And, she has two children with her lover, who just happens to be her boss. But, she let’s you believe that the children are yours. Like any good father, you raise them. In fact, you take a primary role in their upbringing. Then, she decides she wants a divorce. But, hold the press! The a-hole boss that’s been sleeping with her for 7 years, and is the godparent of one of his own children, decides to have a sudden attack of morality. He wants to father his children, even though both your spouse and the boss have lied and covered their lies for 7 years. You fight for custody. Guess what? You will very likely lose the children you have raised since infants.

This is an actual divorce case from Divorce Law Journal: Divorce and Family Info for Professionals in Kentucky and Beyond.

Therein lies the irony: if a misled husband decides to “run” in order to avoid any parental support obligations, he would be prohibited from doing so by S.R.D. and would remain financially bound to the child, but should he desire to “stay” and maintain a relationship with the child, Consalvi, literally applied, says that he cannot be the de facto custodian and is not entitled to custody or visitation. Fortunately, a man who was led to believe he is the father of a child born during his marriage may be able to maintain a relationship with the child in those instances where the biological father has waived his superior right to custody.

Can someone explain to me how this is different from the following scenario?

I sell you a diamond. I know it’s a fake, but I sell it to you for a premium price. You later have it appraised only to find out it’s a fake. Naturally, you want your money back. I say no. You have hard evidence that I blatantly lied to you during the sell. You go to the police and call the Better Business Bureau. What do you think is going to happen in this case?

Yet, when a CHILD is involved, fraud seems to be acceptable. So acceptable in fact, that the fraudulent parties can maintain custody of the child. That’s a sick, twisted system. What is that child going to be taught?

Advice: Lower your expectations for our Family Court System considerably. Wait. Maybe that’s good Divorce advice.