I’d like to take a moment and thank my ex-wife for reminding why I spend so much time on this blog. Why this issue is so important to me. I’d like to thank her for reinforcing the point this blog tries to make in this one simple email I received earlier:

Should I stop inviting you to boy scout functions?

It’s nice to know that I have to be invited to participate in my own son’s life. You know. . . the one I take care of, love, and raise. Thanks for the invitation; that’s awfully big of you.

In case you’re wondering about the facts surrounding this email, you can get a better idea of how I feel about the Boy Scouts from this post. Apparently, I’m a crappy father because I don’t support a gay-bashing organization.

Yesterday, my son, who is 6-years-old, finished his first chapter book by himself. In fact, my partner woke up to find him sitting in his room reading quietly. The book was 11 chapters long and written for a child at least 3 years older than him. He is described by his teachers as a model student. His 1st Grade teacher has gone so far as to seat children with less-than-desirable behavior next to him; hoping that he’ll rub off on the kid. With Parent/Teacher conferences just around the corner, his teacher told us that there is no need to meet unless we had issues we needed to discuss with her. He can add together 6-digit numbers, and actually ASKED me a few nights ago if we could pretend the “plus” signs were “times” signs on his flash cards in order to work on multiplication.

No, I’m not just in the mood to brag this morning (although it’d be easy if I were). I’m just in the mood to make a point about parental involvement. After reading a great post on the importance of father’s in their children’s lives, I couldn’t help but affirm it with my own experience. More importantly, I get tired of the attitude that “broken families” ruin all hope for children to succeed in life or be emotionally stable. That’s just a bunch of bunk. Divorced children are just as capable of leading healthy, happy lives as the next child. I had many friends growing up that were from two parent households, and I could quickly rattle off the names of several that have had severe problems adjusting to this world. It is more about the parents’ involvement in their children’s lives than whether or not they live under the same roof.

Huh? So, I understand that a lot of people blog to make a little extra dough. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they are anything like me, I’m sure they spend a lot an enormous amount of time working on their blog, researching information, and posting. So, go for it. HOWEVER, you should at least put forth some effort. I couldn’t help but pause and laugh hysterically when I read this blog entry entitled: Marriage and Divorce- Is Hostility Really Necessary. WTF? Here is one of the many gems inside this Noble Prize winning entry.

Although love may have evolved into discontentment, you have no reason to try to make a painful situation worse than it needs to be.

How exactly does love evolve into discontentment? Wouldn’t that be more like “devolving?” Overall, I’m going to rate the post as useless randomness meant to get viewers to click on anything. In fact, they are probably trying to click just to get away. Although, apparently it’s working since I just linked to it. :) Oh well, more power to them. I wish them the best of luck, but would like to point out a couple of observations before I go:

1. This person has never been divorced. (If you have, I apologize sincerely).
2. Unfortunately, one person being amicable during a divorce doesn’t work. My ex-wife and I tried that. We were rarely on the same page. It takes a solid commitment from both parties in order for any type of utopia-like world like this person describes to even have a remote chance at working.
3. In light of this excerpt, “If your spouse is particularly hurt by the divorce which you initiated, then take the time to call and check on them from time to time,” I’m going to refer everyone back to my first point.

So much for my decision to try and be a little less cynical today. Hey.. there’s always tomorrow.

Trolling around the Internet this morning, as usual, trying to find what little information is out there on Dad’s Rights and Divorced Fathers, I came across a site called Dads in Distress. . . and I was distressed to say the least (it’s now in the Resources section). I’m not sure why I am surprised each day by the cruelty of an uncaring Justice System, but I am. When I was going through my divorce, I spent a lot of time reading case laws and other Dad’s divorce stories online. I was looking for that magic bean that would make everything okay; that would reassure me that as a Father I had rights. What I found was terrifying. The stories all seemed the same: I want to see my kids. I love my kids, but the courts view me as secondary.

Check this site out. Read through the stories, and I’m sure you will feel the same as I did. . . horrified and agonized. And, if you have access to your children, give them a hug and tell them you love them. Keep in mind that this is an Australian based support group for Divorced Dads. This is not the U.S. The epidemic problem of viewing a father’s pain in divorce as less is worldwide. How many more children will grow up without a father before we put an end to this criminal behavior?

It has been 4 years since my ex-wife and I separated and more than two years since we were officially divorced, and there are still many days when time stops for a split second and the reality of my divorce hits me. Those feelings of sadness, fear, relief and bewilderment creep in, and I’m amazed that I’m still struggling with certain issues; that the emotional landscape between my ex-wife and I continues to change.

Divorce is a strange beast. I don’t regret my divorce at all. In fact, I am more certain every day that it was the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make the issues a divorced parent faces any easier. For instance, the way I interact with my son has been forever altered. Sharing homes. Trying to coordinate efforts with learning, discipline, and general direction in my son’s life with my ex is difficult and trying. Then there are the arguments about what my son can take to his Mom’s house and what he can’t; why it’s not okay for him to behave a certain way at my place when he can at his Mother’s. I take extra caution that I don’t say anything derogatory about my ex-wife in front of him or question her parenting style with him present. The list of divorce issues with children are never ending. Interestingly, I have never thought, “I should have just stayed married.” With all the pain of divorce, the process of coping with divorce, and the ongoing issues it’s still been worth it.

With that said though, if you are thinking about divorce and you’re not sure then get sure. Don’t put yourself, your child, and your spouse through the divorce process unless you are certain it is what you need. Consider all the areas it will affect:

• You and your family’s emotional health
• Your financial health
• Your living arrangements
• Consider if and how divorce will affect your employment
• Your physical health
• Your relationship with your child or children
• Your relationships with any shared friends
• Consider that you are not just divorcing your wife but probably her family as well

The list goes on and on. Essentially, think things through, get honest with yourself, and make certain divorce is what you want before you decide to go through with it.

Coping with divorce is never easy. Some are simple and easy; however, most are not. We’ve all heard the horrible divorce stories, and someone always has one worse than another. But, for the parties involved, it always feels like the worst divorce ever. The last thing any father wants to think about is preparing for divorce. How do you prepare for a divorce anyway? It’s an emotional rollercoaster of sadness, fear, and anger. But, when you know that the system is stacked against Dads rights, then it’s important to focus, accept the reality of the situation, and begin preparation for your divorce.

First things first. Get a good attorney. And not just any attorney; search for fathers rights attorneys. I can say this with absolute certainty. There is not a doubt in my mind that it’s the best piece of advice a father coping with divorce can get, because I didn’t follow it. I looked around, and there were some great attorneys in my area that specialized in dads rights. But, the price was too high. I couldn’t afford it. That was definitely a mistake. Borrow or beg, but don’t skimp. The divorce decree and custody arrangement are binding and forever. Sure, you can go back to court and request modifications. Maybe you’ve heard divorce stories where this happened and the dad came out smelling like roses. But, my own experience and research leads me to believe otherwise. It’s an exrtremely expensive process and rarely yields any results for the father. So, prepare for divorce by getting the best attorney you can find.

But, I know what you might be thinking… it’s different. My spouse has agreed with me that we don’t want this to be an ugly proceeding. We’ve agreed to be civil with one another. Maybe you’ve even agreed to split custody and expenses 50/50. And, maybe that’s exactly what will happen. But, I’d like to share a little bit about my divorce story.

When we separated, my ex-wife and I agreed that we would share custody 50/50, and we would do the same with expenses. This arrangement was in effect for more than a year. No worries, right? Things were going well. We had a schedule. Then, she started dating someone. No worries. And, everything fell apart. One day she called to tell me that she was going to seek full-costody of our son, as well as child support, and “there is nothing you can do about it.” I went from terror to rage and back to terror. This wasn’t happening to me. We had an arrangement. She knew I was a great father. She’d told me that a million times. How could this be happening? I spent a long time allowing my emotions to rule me. Fear. Anger. Argument after argument with my soon-to-be-ex. I looked for an attorney. My attorney told me not to worry, but he wasn’t as well know as some of the other fathers rights attorneys I had heard of. I was scared and money was scarce, so I signed on believing that I had a Dad’s rights and the court would see that. I was naive. I believed all those horrible divorce stories I had heard wouldn’t apply to me. In the end, I ended up with custody of my son about 40% of the time and paying child support, as well as a host of other problems I would only realize later when it was too late.

Get a good attorney. Borrow money if you have to, because in the long run it will cost you less. Besides, there is no price that can be placed on your role in your child(ren)’s life. Don’t assume that everything will go well. You are preparing for divorce, first and foremost, by being certain that you and your attorney are on the same page. If you don’t feel like they are as passionate about dads rights as you, say thanks and move on.

There is no way to plan for absolutely every scenario, and it’s hard to focus on what questions to ask your lawyer when your coping with divorce. But, it’s imperative to expect the worse, focus on the reality of your divorce, and protect your role as a father. If you don’t do it, no one else will.