Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to this blogger. I would never have figured out my missing categories problem with the new Wordpress install otherwise.

Kudos to this person!

I have discovered it. I considered writing a tell all, best-seller. Perhaps touring the world with a carnival side show - a red velvet curtain that people pay to enter and learn this profound secret. Then I thought about putting the secret inside a soap wrapper and getting into the soap business. Imagine the millions I would make as scores of divorced parents scrambled to learn the secret of a well adjusted child.

Instead, I have decided to just post my formula online. Open Source parenting, if you will. Feel free to adjust to your needs and improve. Just, please, make sure that you credit the owner and provide the improved version as well.

Well adjusted Child from Divorced Parents = Shared Parenting (as near equal as possible) + Interest in Child + Quality Time + (Common Sense x 1,000) - (Bitchiness and Vindictiveness) + Love and Support

Please keep in mind that this formula can still work very well with the Bitchiness and Vindictiveness as long as the child does not see or sense it. However, the formula actually creates bitterness, depression, and insecurity if the Shared Parenting element is missing.

Why the long ramble? Here’s why. I was “congratulated” by my Son’s 2nd Grade teacher recently on how well behaved, mannered, and adjusted my son is. According to his teacher, she has never met a child from divorce that is so confident and well-adjusted. I don’t know what you’re doing, she said, but kudos to you. It’s called luck - I’m lucky that my ex-wife set a precedent during our separation that equated to me receiving custody of my son 45% of the week. Thank goodness for small miracles.

She does not tell you social scientist support shared parenting and the children of divorce by a 70 percent margin did not like the time they lost from the non-custodial parent they were kept from.

Preach on, man. I hear ya.  Shared parenting works. It’s crucial to the formula.

It was refreshing to see a headline on the front page of the St. Louis Post Dispatch read Breaking Barriers: Dad Rises to top of PTA(pdf), long dominated by moms. Friday, Charles “Chuck” Saylors, a 47-year-old South Carolina father, will become the first President-elect of the national PTA. I truly hope this encourages more fathers to get involved in their children’s classroom.

Last year, when my son was in Kindergarten, I volunteered to be a classroom “Mom.” The commitment involved planning the classroom parties. I was amazed, and a little hurt, when I received a call from a school employee verifying that “I knew what the volunteer position required.” She apologized for the call, but said they had never had a dad volunteer that she could remember. I was at once proud and disturbed.  How could there never have been a father volunteer for his child’s Kindergarten classroom?

Kudos to Chuck. I hope he does a lot to bring awareness to the importance of a father’s involvement in the classroom.

MSNBC published a story on Monday about MomBlocking. What is momblocking you ask? Well, it’s a ridiculously stupid and injurious phrase that describes what happens when fathers do what society has been accusing them of not doing for years- being an involved parent. Yep. Involved dads everywhere, you’re doing TOO good of a job. Please stop and go back to doing nothing except farting in your children’s faces and demonstrating how to sit on the couch and watch sports. Apparently, the world is not ready for your involvement.

But almost four years into it, McClure-Metz began to feel her husband was maybe too capable. He had become more competent and assertive in the child-care arena and it showed in small ways. Metz took over when his wife struggled with the car seat, or put the kibosh on plans when he thought their daughter needed down time.

As a man, this is what I hear from our culture:

“Men don’t do enough. Men are lazy and not involved with their children. Men just want women to do everything. Men never pay child support. All divorced fathers are abusers. I’m so sick of men. Blah blah blah. ”

Two days later:
“You’re doing too much. Stop hogging the baby. It’s not right that you know how to take care of our child better than me. Stop being so good at it because now I resent you.”

Would you people please make your freakin’ mind up.

Happy Early Father’s Day to all you Momblocking and Non-momblocking Dads.

According to a study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, children of divorce are twice as likely to be prescribed methylphenidate (Ritalin). The study explored the possibility of genetics as well as need, but it also had one conclusion that was particularly interesting:

A second possible explanation is that, although clinicians are advised to distinguish between the symptoms of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and the effects of stressors such as parental divorce on child behaviour,³⁰ a prescription for methylphenidate may result simply from increased contact with the health care system in the period following divorce or the heightened sensitivity of parents and clinicians to problematic child behaviour in the presence of stressors. This explanation suggests that methylphenidate is prescribed inappropriately to children whose parents have recently divorced. Unfortunately, there are no questions in the National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth that allow for testing of these causal pathways. Therefore, the findings of my study cannot reveal whether methylphenidate is inappropriately prescribed to children of divorce.

Essentially, it’s possible that parents and physicians are hyper-sensitive to a child going through divorce. They believe that the child should be suffering from behavior problems, and are looking perhaps a little too hard for signs and symptoms. Essentially, a mass delusion. This doesn’t really surprise me, and probably accounts for more cases of ADHD than we’d like to admit.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe that ADHD is very real. One of my best friends suffers from Adult ADHD. It’s obvious to him, his physician, and his friends that medication significantly improves his ability to concentrate. However, I also think there are a lot of children running around popping Ritalin that simply don’t need it. It appears that there are a lot parents and physicians ready and waiting to dole out Ritalin to a hyper children, when many of their issues might be attributed to:

1. A poor diet
2. Too many video games and not enough exercise
3. Boredom with their school work
4. Little or no time in nature

And the list could go on. I was an extremely hyper child. And had I been born 20 years later, I would easily have been a prime candidate for Ritalin. Thank goodness my family simply put up with it, because I eventually grew out of it and developed ways to help myself calm down.

Kudos to CMAJ for at least opening the dialogue that maybe- just maybe- children are being over-prescribed ADHD medication.

Jennifer Roback Morse is doing the unthinkable. She’s asking for stories from readers highlighting the contributions fathers make to the lives of their children. This is a great idea, and Jennifer’s tenacity is greatly appreciated. Kids, Step-Moms, Moms, and Significant Others: Please, take the time to send her a short story, anecdote, or list of why your dad/partner is a great Dad. And, for the fathers that don’t get to see their children, send in a story of yourself. It’s okay to toot your own horn a little bit. Thanks again to Jennifer. It’s always refreshing to hear someone point out that:

Fathers do not get the credit they deserve in the raising of children. The courts downplay them, the feminists dismiss them, and the media diss them. Even the social scientists who know from their data that dads matter, often can’t quite put their finger on why. The kinds of things social science can measure, such as time spent doing different activities and parenting styles, don’t necessarily capture what dads do.

Reminder: I am always interested in stories from Divorced Fathers. Click on the Your Voice tab to read stories I have received and make sure to send me your story.