I found your blog and have been encouraged and inspired by several of the posts. Although I am in Germany, many of the issues are, of course, the same.The legal system here is far more mother-centered than in the States, thus I have been skimming over the legal posts. p! The arrangements posts have been more helpful.

I am now two-and-a-half years separated (here, that is a legal status) with twin boys, now 7. The mother is quite active professionally, which has opened a wonderful opportunity for me. In addition to every second weekend that I have the kids, I “watch” the boys two, three, four evenings during the week [The boys have forbidden me to say "babysit"]. Sometimes this means picking them up from day care and bringing them to mama’s. Other times, I go after work to their place. On these evenings, we go through their homework, make sure everything is prepared for the next day, and, of course, hearing about the day’s events. I make them dinner. After a while, the time comes for getting ready for bed. Here we have a very long established routine: Bathroom, brushing teeth, putting on PJ’s, and then I read them a Good Night story (they alternate choosing the book). Then the boys get tucked into bed with the appropriate kisses and sweet dreams.

Then I sit and work a little until mama comes home. And, the boys know that someone is always there.

There are also weekends when mama has a seminar or a meeting during a weekend day. Then I come and spend this time with the boys for some hours until mama returns. This can range from simply hanging out to museum visits (the animals in the natural history museum are big hits) to watching the local soccer team play. We play in the local park; I am trying to teach them a little baseball, but competing against soccer here is tough. Now we are also getting into the age where the boys trade visits with their classmates. Sometimes this is done together or separately.

I have the good fortune to have a job that is (i) in the vicinity of where the boys normally live and (ii) that is flexible enough (time-wise) that I can leave sometimes early to pick up the boys. This flexibility also comes in handy when one of the boys has a class trip. I have let both teachers know that I can assist as “Sheppard”. This way, I have participated in several class trips, which also helps in that I know the other kids in the class (helpful when stories or events are related about them).

I spend a lot of my time during a normal week with this. Especially since I live not so close to mama’s, the commute times included, means that a lot of my week is tied up with the boys. What I am getting from this however is priceless. I remain a normal part of the boys’ daily life. I can follow their development step by step (losing teeth, re-growing them, the ups and downs of playground life, following their development with reading[!!!], the growing collections of soccer cards, etc.) and marvel at these little beings becoming … (what?) … themselves. The participation in their daily lives was sorely missed in the time just after the separation, and I am extremely grateful that the situation has developed such that I have found a way back into their everyday world. The role of “event papa” every second weekend was, for me, simply too little.

What I have seen with the boys, which I find the most positive, is that the boys bring up issues with either mama or papa. Of course, mama is better with some issues and papa is better with others. This difference is not all so large however. Pretty much everything is told to both parents.

When it comes to the boys, my relationship with the mama has remained positive. We share information about what is going on, what we have observed, what things are coming up. We share the responsibilities for things like “Parents Evenings” in the school and decide together the big things (such as whether the twins should go into the same class or not). The boys are also aware that mama and papa talk with each other: about them, about adult things and sometimes even simply chat.

Things are going very positive at the moment. Of course, this will change; the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune never rest. I think however that whatever the future may bring, we (as a family) have a positive basis from which to react, and this gives me great hope for the boys.

Thanks again for your blog. It’s good to have as a source of ideas and inspiration.

Dr. Ronald S. Larsen