I would guess my story isn’t much different than the others you’ve heard. I divorced about 3 year ago and married my high school sweetheart. For me it was a recognition of a mistake that I had made countless years before.

In the previous marriage we had two wonderful boys. I was very close with them and after the separation gained custody of the children. My ex was at best a drifter and at worst an opportunist and a compulsive liar and voluntarily signed away custody of the children. As she slowly got herself into a position to argue for a change of custody (based in large part on her living with a new boyfriend) she began to alienate the boys during each each of their visits. Naïve as I was, I still concluded that having both parents was important. I continually reminded the boys to call, talked with them about issues that bothered them since their mother lived in a different state, comforted them when she failed to deliver on her promises, and funded most of her visits. I had asked for no child support and took on the responsibility of raising them with no financial assistance from the mother. This was in direct contradiction to the opinions of my attorney, but men believe in fairness above all else.

The boys were reluctant to accept a new mother in their lives. As I got closer to marriage, I could see the increasing resistance to my fiancé. This had little to do with her and much more to do with accepting the realization that their mother lived in a different state, continued to promise things and not deliver, and a general uneasiness that with the limited visits and unreliability the mother may be “replaced” if they embraced my future bride.

The mother did little to address their fears and actually capitalized on every negative event that happened in the house. When I married, we brought together 5 children, a new move for everyone, new schools, and all the issues any blended family brings. Me and my wife continued to encourage the mother to move closer (although we knew this would be problematic) because we concluded that the boys best interest would be served in having her closer.

During the Christmas of 2005, the ex exposed the oldest son to unknown stories and half truths. I believe she showed him videos and emails that my wife’s ex compiled during the divorce. She skewed his sense of reality and when he returned he expressed an interest to live with his mother. I spent a lot of time talking to him, candidly answering questions about an “affair” and finally asking him for a final solution on where he wanted to live. At a very emotional dinner with just me his brother and my fiancé, he stated he wanted to stay with us. I had at least four in depth discussion with his mother before the final decision and she agreed that both children should remain with me.

Even as we were having the conversations she was moving in with her boyfriend. I had married in February of 2006. Both boys seemed completely at ease with the wedding, participated, and enjoyed the ceremony. My wife and I worked very hard to minimize disruptions in all the children’s lives and tried to build a new family. In April of 2006, I paid for the boys to fly to see their mother. They cam back with a very defiant attitude and even after having discussions with the mother about the my purchase of a cell phone for his 13th birthday, she used all of our ideas and he returned with a phone that she and her boyfriend had purchased. Needless to say, I was unprepared to have my good faith efforts in co-parenting thrown in my face without so much as the courtesy of a phone call to tell me she would purchasing the phone. Even that wouldn’t have been such an earth shattering event if she had at least given me the respect to call an explain her position.

The next 72 hours were unbearable. The oldest refused any parent instructions from me or my wife. They both became combative to the extent that the yelling caused the 6 year old to cry and run to his room. The next two months were a mess. I restricted the boys phone calls to the mother who refused to speak with me.

Our separation agreement granted the mother visitation during the summer. After consultation with an attorney, I reluctantly paid for the boys to fly to see their mother. They were to return in early August to begin football practice and get ready for school. During the entire visit the mother refused to accept my calls. I talked briefly with both boys a couple of time per week. The mother did finally tell me she wasn’t sending the children back. She enrolled them in the local school. I advised her that there had been no change in custody. Ultimately I filed for relief and she was directed by the courts to return the children.

This turned out to be a mess. The boys fought, lied, disrupted, and made day to day life unbearable. The mother refused to talk to me directly. Lawyers filed claims and counter claims over a three month period. I was accused of abuse. My ex called the school, badgered my colleagues at work, contacted my wife’s ex, and did anything she could to make our life miserable. I could go into the most unbelievable stories about what happened.

When we finally received a court date, the master asked no question of fact, almost completely sided with with my ex and discussed visitation and telephone right which I had restricted under the circumstance. Not once did the court examine in detail the well being of the children and concluded without any questions of the mother whatsoever that the children’s view should trump any reality. I was appalled that the court didn’t ask the simplest of questions on why the children were with me for the past three years and where was their interest in changing the current custody arrangement. I can be certain that if it had been reversed, I would have had to prove my case on a change in custody. Not so with the mother; the courts were happy to fix an “anomaly” of the father as custodial parent.

At this point I concluded I could not prevail. I voluntarily sent the boy to their mother’s in December of 2006. I have not received one phone call, birthday card, father’s day card, or any other correspondence from the children.

And this is considered justice by the courts.

When all is said and done, my children will be a mess because the only fairness works toward the mother, never the father.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.